Mass Effect: Shepard's story
by yukiro-fayt1
Summary: This story is all about how Commander Shepard deals with the choices he has had to make during his time on the Normandy while fighting the Reapers. Having survived through so much already, the deaths of those he couldn't save weigh heavily upon him. Shepard tries to stay strong, but guilt, stress and the nightmares make it hard for him to focus.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one.**

It had all happened so fast. A choice had to be made. It wasn't an easy choice to make but there was no time, the planet was set to blow up at any moment and there was little time for thinking or planning. No, the Commander had to make a choice and fast. In his heart he had wanted to save the one he loved, but his mind told him that he had to stay and defeat the Turian, Saren no matter what. If he left to save Ashley then that would have left Kaidan to deal with Saren and the bombs at the same time. An impossible feat for just one man.

They needed those bombs to go off, Kaidan had already triggered the nuke but it could still be disarmed. They needed to blow up Saren's base of operations in order to prevent the Reapers from returning. That was their mission. They had to succeed no matter what.

Did he leave Ashley and her unit to their death against the Geth that were attacking them? Or did he save them and fail the mission, leaving Kaidan and his group to the hands of Saren?

Shepard knew he had to stay and fight the ex-Spectre in order to save the whole galaxy. Either option meant he would have to sacrifice one of his best friends to their deaths. The only thing that shifted his weight on making a decision was the one simple fact; no matter how many people died here now, it would be nothing compared to how many would die if this mission failed and the Reapers returned.

Knowing this, he made his choice. The sacrifice of the few to save the lives of the many. This was not just about one small group of people who knew the risks. This was about the whole galaxy as they knew it. Every race was depending on him now.

"It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here!" Kaidan Alenko said through the transmitter.

Ashley on the other hand was against the idea. Geth or no, she wasn't going down without a fight and she called down the transmitter from her end with a stern tone to the man who was on the other end, "Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko."

Lifting a shaky hand to his head, Shepard spoke with a firm tone down the transmitter, "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site." He shook his head, feeling sorrow for the choice he was making.

"Yes, Commander. I..." Kaidan stuttered down the transmitter to, Shepard. He knew just how hard a choice this was for his friend to make.

"You know it's the right choice, LT." Ashley said firmly again. She was willing to make this sacrifice and Shepard knew it. It was one of the reasons he loved her so much.

"Hold on tight Ash. I'll be coming to get you next." Shepard said softly, though he knew in his heart that there was very little chance of there being enough time to save them both.

Ashley confirmed his doubts. "We both know that's not going to happen, Skipper."

"I... I'm so sorry, Ash." Shepard said softly again, his hand still shaking.

"Me too, Skipper. Take care of him for me, LT." She spoke with a brave tone, though Shepard could tell there was more behind that bravado she put on. He wanted to hold her but he had a job to do and he needed to move, now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two**

Shepard dozed off at his desk in his bedroom upon the Normandy. He had just finished writing up a report and had been staring at the picture of Ashley he kept upon his desk. He was woken by a knock on the door and as it slid open it was Kaidan Alenko who stepped in. He was one of the few whom had permission and access to Shepard's room if there was any need or trouble to call for it. Not only that but after all they had been through together Shepard had needed the Ex-Lieutenant more than ever.

Kaidan had been promoted during their time apart since their last mission to bring Saren down and had even managed to get the role of Spectre just as Shepard had before him, and now the two of them were together again, fighting Reapers and saving the galaxy from certain doom. He was proud of his fellow Spectre and best friend. Though now wasn't the time to celebrate. They had much to do in order to save not only Earth but every race and planet needed their help.

Offering Shepard's shoulder a light touch, Kaidan woke him up from his doze and offered the other man a tentative smile. "Are you feeling alright Commander?" He asked with concern.

"Not really. I had to leave Earth when the Reapers invaded and now everywhere is under attack and I don't know where to turn. I've lost so many friends, so has everyone. I just wish we had been able to prevent the Reapers from returning, but here they are in every corner we look, wiping out every planet we know." Shepard replied, rubbing his temple out of pure tiredness.

Kaidan offered a comforting smile to the other man, he knew better than most just how much his friend had suffered through all of this. The loss of Ashley; the woman Shepard loved, had been one of the hardest things his friend had to deal with. Often Kaidan felt guilty that he had been the one Shepard had saved back then, yet he was glad too and this left conflicted emotions floating around his head.

"I know things are hard, but we've come a long way to getting rid of the Reapers. The other races are now beginning to realize you were right." Kaidan offered, trying to reassure the other man.

Shepard scoffed loudly, "only because they have no choice any more. They refused to believe me back when all this started and continued to refuse to believe it until the Reapers were at their doorsteps."

Kaidan nodded once. He had to admit that Shepard was correct in that statement. Even when it was found out that Saren had planned to bring the Reapers back, the council refused to acknowledge that they existed. He had always felt irritated by the lack of trust the Council had for his Commander even after all he had done for them.

Shepard had done all of the jobs the Council refused to do themselves. Sure that was part of the job as a Spectre but at the same time it made Kaidan angry that they just shoved any concern aside and ignored the truth just so they could continue to live in their little bubbles.

"You should get some sleep Commander." Kaidan said after a moment. His voice hinting his concern for the other. He had noticed that Shepard hadn't been sleeping well the last couple of days – if not longer. He couldn't be fully sure of when his friend had slept properly last as they had not been together for a year or more. He had lost count of the days long ago.

Shepard had died but Cerberus had brought his Commander back. A thought that Kaidan had mixed feelings about.

On one hand he had his friend back, on the other it had been that organisation that had done terrible things in the past and were still doing even now, that had accomplished it. He still wondered if maybe they had planted a control device in Shepard's brain. A thought that was easily squashed after spending more time with him. He was the same Commander he had always known and respected.

A firm but gentle commander. Kind but knew how to fight for what was right and wouldn't back down easily nor give up. His commander that had done all he had to ensure that the Council had been saved and all races on their side at last to fight the Reapers. His Commander whom he cared for deeply, who he wanted to make everything right for.

His commander who he loved. Though he would not say so to his commander. Not yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

Shepard paced in his room upon the Normandy, music coming from the radio played a slow melody. The Captain rarely listened to music, though today he needed just background noise to help him relax. He was having trouble sleeping again, nothing had helped to relax him despite his best efforts to try.

"How long until we reach the Citadel, Joker?" He asked, pressing a button on the room's transmitter to open a channel to his pilot.

"Under an hour now, Captain." Came Joker's reply.

"Thanks Joker. Keep me updated when we get there."

Shepard turned off the transmitter and moved over to the large fish tank that had been built into the wall of his room. The new Normandy was certainly a lot better than it had been, and the tank was one thing Shepard liked having around.

He watched the tropical fish swim about and gave them some fish flakes before sighing heavily and heading back to his bed. He flopped down onto it and stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to relax enough to at least get some rest, if not some actual sleep. His eyes dropped every now and then, until he finally had dozed off. It didn't last long, however and he jumped awake after he had a vision of Ashley in his mind.

He missed her and constantly felt guilty about her death.

Sighing, Shepard pulled himself off of the bed and moved towards the door and moved into the elevator. He leaned against the wall and lazily pressed the button to head down into the lower decks. He just couldn't sleep. Every time he tried he'd have that same dream, loosing Ashley, making that hard choice, the collectors, the Reapers and that young boy. He didn't know who the boy was or why he kept dreaming about him, but it haunted his dreams every night.

Shepard finally reached the deck he wanted and stepped out of the lift and slowly walked around the corner, only to bump into Kaidan. Shepard would have normally never been put off balance by a small bump like this but his insomnia had left him more than a little disorientated and he easily lost his balance.

"Careful there, Commander..." Kaidan said softly while steadying Shepard with both of his hands, firmly holding the other man's shoulders until he had regained his balance again.

"Alenko? I thought you were off duty until shore leave?" Shepard said, nodding his thanks to the other man.

"And I thought you were suppose to be sleeping, Commander." Kaidan said, sounding firm but concerned.

Shepard scoffed and shrugged his shoulders, "You sound like my mother, you know?"

Kaidan gave a laugh. Perhaps he should have been insulted by Shepard's tone of voice, but he couldn't help but find the usually calm and soft commander being snarky like this as somewhat amusing. "Someone has to mother you, I suppose. Creator forbid we leave you to your own devices. You'll never get any sleep and then where would we be? Now be a good Captain and go back to bed." He teased.

"Very funny, Alenko." Shepard said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "I can't sleep. Thought I'd get some alcohol to help calm me down, at least. So unless 'mother Alenko' has any other problems with me being up and about, I'd like to get back to that."

Kaidan laughed again, "Sure, I'll let you. On one condition though. We share a drink together. If you can't sleep then you may as well have someone keep you company until we get to the Citadel, right?"

"Yes 'mother' if you want to join me, feel free too." Shepard replied, once more rolling his eyes, though there was a small smile upon his face. He may not be able to sleep, but he was at least in a better mood thanks to his friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four

It had been one hour since the Normandy had arrived into the Citadel and most of the crew had either gone ashore or stayed within their own decks. Shepard's small group had been through C-sec and was waiting just outside of Purgatory Bar, a club on the Citadel with dancing and drinking.

They had made a short stop here to speak to someone from their past and was now outside of the club. Kaidan held his head as a small headache spread across his head, though he tried to not let it bother him much.

Garrus, who was of the Turian race – like Saren had been, spoke with Shepard about the mission. His face had taken damage from his time on Omega and he had lost most of one side of his jaw. It had been patched up and he hardly noticed the change himself any more, but often he'd get a few looks from females of all races. He quite enjoyed the attention at times when they would show interest in him, but he had no interest in them. Garrus had someone he felt feelings for already. Not that he had told anyone this yet.

"Once we've stocked up on supplies here, and we've finished our missions, we'll head back out into space and see if we can't recruit more races to help us in the fight." Shepard said, rubbing his temple tiredly.

"Everyone is fighting off a Reaper or ten, it won't be easy. You saw how it was on Earth and back on my own home planet." Garrus said, his voice low so no others heard him.

People came to the club to forget about the Reapers. He would have disapproved of the notion usually, but he couldn't blame them. Most had come to the Citadel to escape their home planets which were being slaughtered by the Reapers.

Kaidan folded his arms, the headache subsiding again for the moment. He was one of the lucky Biotic's that did not have any worse side effects of the implants, migraines were the worst he had to deal with.

He listened tentatively to his two friends. The three of them, along with Ashley, Wrex, Tali and Liara had been there from the beginning. He was glad they were back together – or some of them anyway. They had yet to find Wrex or Liara and Tali was back on the Migrant Fleet, though Shepard had said he'd like to bring her along with them again. Her knowledge was invaluable, he had said. Kaidan had to agree with that.

"I understand we've all got the threat of the Reapers to deal with, not just the Earth... but if they had just listened..." Shepard said sighing audibly, still holding his head.

"The Council think they can ignore things and they'll just go away." Garrus agreed, "they've forced you to deal with this mess of theirs the hard way."

"Well, I can't blame them for trying to believe the Reapers were just an old myth, but you're right... thanks to them this task of saving the galaxy is ten times harder than it could have been if they had just listened." Shepard frowned, his lips thinning somewhat. He leaned against the wall, feeling the effects of the lack of sleep.

Kaidan pushed off the wall and moved closer to him, "You alright, Shepard?" He asked, offering a hand to the others shoulder. "You really aught to get some rest..."

"I'm fine." Shepard said firmly, as he shook his head. "You don't have to worry about me, honestly." The commander offered a smile to Kaidan, who wasn't buying his act in the slightest.

"Kaidan's right, Shepard." Garrus spoke up. "How can you save anyone if you're not rested? We're not needed for the meeting for a few hours yet. Get some rest, at the very least."

Shepard glanced between his two friends, sighed and then held up both hands in surrender. "Fine. Fine. You two win. I'll try and get some rest." He said to the relief of his companions.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five

Shepard retired to his room on the Citadel which had been prepared for him upon their arrival. Some parts of the station were still in disrepair since the Reaper and Seran had attacked them, but for the most part things were being rebuilt and fixed. His section had been one of the more recently remodelled sections and so everything was clean and in working order.

Shepard peered around the room and moved to the balcony where he saw a large park down below. Even though he had been to the Citadel thousands of time, he was still always amazed by how well the environments were maintained and looked, despite them being on a space station. He sighed softly and rubbed at his right eye before slowly moving over to the large king sized bed in his room.

Laying upon his bed, Shepard peered at the ceiling until his eyes slowly closed shut. He wasn't asleep yet, but his body had become so exhausted that keeping his eyes open any longer was impossible. Not to mention the fatigue he was feeling, among other side-affects of not being able to get a nights sleep.

He could hear the water from the fountains fall into the pools down below his room, the sound was soothing to hear and he was high up enough that they were not too loud to disturb a nights sleep.

Dozing off, Shepard slipped into a restless dream. All around him was dark, yet what looked like subtle flames or smoke danced around him as if a fog clouded his eyesight. Yet he was able to see just in front of him clearly as if the space around him was torn between perfect focus and being distorted.

For Shepard this had been a recurring dream and what had unsettled him to the point that he found it hard to sleep. He looked around him, searching for the now familiar form of a young boy. It took him a little while, but finally he spotted him not far off. The small child was crouched down, seemingly playing or such. Shepard could never be sure as he could only just make out the silhouette of the boy.

Shepard walked up to the boy as his dream always led him to do, and the child ran off. He could hear whispering, though he couldn't tell who they were or where they were coming from. He felt like they were whispering about him, and how he had failed to save them. Like the souls of the dead were haunting his very consciousness.

The commander looked around for the small figure again. He wanted to help the boy. He wanted to know why he kept showing up in his dreams. If this was just guilt or something more meaningful? Was this like the vision he had been shown before? Though this was very different than the mixed message he had gotten in the vision. The message before was a bunch of images all mixed together and he had trouble making sense of it at first. This was much more like a nightmare than a message, but he couldn't be sure of anything any more. He had changed and seen so much that most things never seemed real any more.

Shepard ran around until he finally found the small figure among a group of shadowed figures, the boy seemed more in focus than the figures were, but he could tell they were mostly adults due to the size of them.

Reaching out a hand to touch the boy, who turned around to face him, Shepard was greeted with the sudden but familiar scene of the child burning up in intense red, orange and yellow flames.

He woke from his nightmare, sitting upright and rubbing the sweat off of his forehead. Although this dream was constant he just couldn't get use to it. It seemed just so surreal. He glanced towards the clock and sighed a little bit.

"Five thirty in the afternoon?" He said tiredly, lifting his legs off of the bed to sit upon it's edge. He was glad he had managed to get a couple of hours sleep, even if it had been a restless sleep yet he wasn't happy about the recurring dream.

A knock on the door caused him to look up and tilt his head to the side, "come in?" He called.

Kaidan Alenko opened the door and peered curiously over to the commander. "How are you feeling?" He asked, seeming worried. "The meeting will be soon, so I came to get you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The meeting hadn't gone exactly as Shepard had planned, but then he hadn't been surprised by this fact either. The council had a habit of not listening to him, and today was no different. They were too busy to help gather their ships because everyone was too busy worrying about themselves. He didn't hate them for that, Earth was in the same state, but still, it annoyed him deeply that they couldn't lend him help until he had helped them first. If they had listened to him from the start then they would not have been in this mess they were in now.

Sighing, Shepard walked down one of the halls. He had left the meeting on his own, not wanting to speak with anyone else at the moment. He just needed a bit of time to himself to clear his thoughts.

It all seemed impossible. The Council had asked him to help stop the Reapers anyway he could, but in order to do that he needed not only the Normandy, not only the Earth's fleet, no. He needed the help of everyone's help and that included the Council races as well as the other aliens such as the Krogan's.

Thinking of the Krogan's, he wondered how Wrex and Grunt were doing these days. He hadn't seen them since he had been grounded on Earth and he missed their company.

Shepard leaned against one of the walls and held a hand to his head, sighing heavily. He couldn't think straight with all this worrying. And the dream of constantly seeing that young boy dying over and over again, distraught him as much as Ashley's death did.

He didn't want to loose any more people, even if he knew that he couldn't save everyone. It was a hard rule of life he had learned and continued to be reminded of.

It was when on Mars, and Kaidan had been beaten up pretty badly, Shepard had almost lost it. He had never shot anyone out of anger or fear like that before. He had never lost his mind, so much as he had done in that moment. The thought of loosing Kaidan to Cerberus, or to anyone had caused something in him to snap.

Remembering the condition his squad member had been in made the Commander's stomach turn; face black and blue with bruises, swelling of the eyes, lips purple. Unconscious. Remembering the fear of Kaidan never waking up.

Slowly, Shepard made his way along the corridors, as endless as they seemed. He made his way to the room he was staying in and was surprised to see Kaidan there, waiting for his return. His face had been healed by the medigel and other than the usual headaches, his fellow soldier was here. Alive and well.

"Shepard." Kaidan said, looking to the other with worry.

"I'm fine. I just needed time to think." He replied softly. When he was given an unsure look from the other man, he offered a smile and added, "thank you for worrying about me. Want to come in for a bit?"

They stepped into the apartment and Shepard poured a glass of clear blue drink for them both. He couldn't remember the name of the alcoholic drink, but he did know that Kaidan liked the taste of it. He had picked it up on the way back, hoping his friend might share another drink with him again – though he had to admit he wasn't expecting the man to be waiting outside already. He was happy though. They could put his past with Cerberus behind and continue to be friends, despite the odds.

"You know," Kaidan began, "you never did tell me where you went while I was in hospital that one time. I heard you went off on your own and nobody knew where you had gone. I was worried about you."

"That... is a long story." Shepard said, giving a nervous laugh.

Kaidan grinned up at him, "then it's a good thing I've got plenty of time to listen."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter seven**

Shepard leaned back against the couch as he took in the sent of the drink, then with a nod, began to explain his little mini-adventure.  
"Aria is an Asari I met on Omega while working with Cerberus. She 'ruled' the place, so to speak." He said, making a gesture with his free hand. She had become well known by the Alliance by now so Shepard did not go into too much detail about her, not that he still knew much besides what she had told him herself.

"Cerberus had managed to over-throw her and she had escaped to the Citadel. She contacted me for help, and promised that if I agreed to help her then she would provide her ships, weapons, men and all other resources that she had." He continued, drinking the alcohol in the glass with one quick motion.  
"Her only rule was that I go with her alone. I was sceptical at first, naturally, but she was a woman good to her word, although it was risky, I decided to take the chance and agree to help her." Shepard gave a little shrug, he didn't trust her as much as he trusted his companions, but he trusted her enough to hold her end of the deal. She was still an outlaw after all.

"It took us a lot of work to get into Omega and past Cerberus' defences but we managed it. Cerberus tried to stop us, of course but we managed to slip past them and into some of the passageways that Aria knew of." Shepard paused for a moment to put his empty glass on the table in front of the couch.  
"Once inside we found out that Cerberus had blocked off various parts of Omega so it's people couldn't leave their area. Fine for keeping the gangs off of your backs, but it wasn't just the gangs, but also innocent citizens too. Not only that but if you touched the shields or tried to pass through them? Then you'd die. Only the mec's could get past without being disintegrated."

Kaidan listened quietly, he had to wonder why Shepard would even consider helping pirates, gangs and what-not but from had happened on Earth he also knew that Shepard was desperate to find enough forces to fight this war and if mercenaries and pirates would help fight against the Reapers? Then that also meant there would be more fire-power on their side. He didn't like the thought of working alongside thugs but at the same time it was good fodder against their foes.

Shepard continued his tale, explaining the fights he and Aria took part in against Cerberus troops. He also explained how he met a female taurian, which he had to admit was pretty amusing at the time. Shepard rarely met any female taurian's, all of the ones he met were male.  
Not only that, but he was sure there was some kind of chemistry between Aria and the taurian. He wondered if they had only just been friends and not something more. Though for now they seemed more like rivals who had once been close. He had to admit, they did make a rather cute pair even if they weren't together in that sense now.

Kaidan peered at his friend for a moment as the other man had seemingly gone into his own little day dream for whatever reason. "Uh, Shepard?" He called, leaning a bit closer to the other man.  
Shepard blinked, "huh? Oh, right. Sorry. We ended up working together in order to get to the Cerberus' leader and had to go through some mines, where we learned that they were making these horrible monsters out of people – no surprise with Cerberus there, of course.

Shepard poured another glass for him and Kaidan, "anyway, we got caught in a trap and Aria managed to open up the shield long enough for me to escape, managed to power down the shield just in time to save them. Then after returning to the 'camp' the taurian went off and we chased after her. She gave her life to save the innocent people of Omega and that only pissed Aria off. Ran right into another trap and I had to fight millions of those monsters and armed men by myself until I managed to free her. The Cerberus operative then gave up and surrendered. Scary part is... Aria spared his life even though she wanted him dead. I then came home. Visited you, again and the rest is, as they say, history."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter eight**

Shep-... a familiar voice rang out as Shepard stirred on the bed. Sheperd? The voice rang out again, causing the man to groan and turn over in his sleep. He was having that familiar nightmare again. The boy continued to run faster than Shepard could and when he did finally catch up, the boy burst into flames in front of his eyes.

Shepard will you wake up already? Kaidan said, raising his voice as he leaned over the side of the bed to try and shake his friends shoulder. He had crashed out on the sofa the previous night and was now trying to wake Shepard up so they could leave the Citadel.  
It was proving harder than he thought, and with his friend tossing and turning and seemingly dreaming, it was near impossible to get much of a response out of the other man.

If you don't wake up soon then I'm going to throw you against the wall with my biotics. He said, joking. The commander's response was a mumbled groan as he finally stirred awake. He still seemed tired, even though Kaidan was sure Shepard had slept all night. He felt bad about waking his fellow Spectre up, but they had a job to do.

Kaidan...? Shepard said slowly as his eyes focused on the dark-haired man standing beside his bed.  
No. I'm a Reaper in disguise. Kaidan responded, rolling his eyes and laughing a bit.  
Shepard gave a little shiver and pulled a face, now that's a scary thought. Hope you're not here to indoctrinate me. I'd make a very poor slave. The dark-haired man rolled his eyes again. Very funny, he said, at least I'd make the Reapers look good. And I don't know, having the famous Commander Shepard as my servant might be fun. He teased, moving away from the bed to allow the other man the space to get out of bed.  
Shepard laughed, shaking his head. I think I much rather human Kaidan over Reaper Kaidan any day.

Kaidan smiled softly at the comment and moved over to the window while he waited for his friend to get dressed. He wasn't surprised his little bit of flirting had gone over Shepard's head. Even when around Ashley, Shepard was a bit slow when it came to such things. Heck, Ashley had always teased Shepard for how corny his pick-up-lines were, and Kaidan had to agree. Flirting just wasn't Shepard's strong point.  
He glanced behind him to see Shepard still getting dressed, he still hadn't gotten his top on and Kaidan had to look away quickly again to hide the slight flush on his cheeks. He had always admired his Captain ever since they first met, but he had never admitted those feelings to anyone because Shepard had shown interest in Ashley, not himself. Kaidan cared for her feelings a lot, and knew she liked Shepard in return, and that alone had been enough to make Kaidan happy for them.  
Still, he had been somewhat jealous, and now that Ashley was dead he had to fight the urge to confess his own attraction to the other man. Not that he was ashamed of these feelings. Humanity had long since abolished the hatred for homosexuals and other sexualities in this day and age. Gay marriage was an acceptable thing, even in the military.

No, it was his loyalty to Shepard and Ashley that kept him from speaking aloud his feelings. Though he knew one day, he'd confess to Shepard. He just wanted to give him time to heal from Ashley's death.  
Though he had wondered if Shepard had ever gotten close to anyone else in the time they had spent apart from one another. His friend had mentioned a Kelly Chambers, but Shepard had never gone into detail about her. She wasn't around any more, of that Kaidan was certain. Shepard had said he'd lost contact with her after what happened on the Collectors base.

So, uh, where do you think we should head off to? Kaidan said, leaning to the side a bit and folding his arms.  
Shepard had finished getting dressed and moved to stand next to his fellow Spectre. Not sure where to start. We'll see where to head first once we get back on the Normandy I guess. Kaidan nodded, sounds good to me. Let's go.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

Joker. EDI, Shepard greeted the two as he moved into the ship, it's time we headed out. Shepard said as he paused to stand just behind Joker.  
Yes, commander. Joker replied as he reversed the Normandy out of the docking port of the Citadel. EDI who's new form still made Kaidan wary, with good reasons, moved her hands easily over the controls, did things go smoothly, commander Shepard? She asked, without turning around.  
Shepard closed his eyes, sighing. As smoothly as the council can go, at any rate. He replied with a casual shrug. He sometimes wondered if maybe, it would have been better to have had sacrifice the council in the attack against Sovereign. Maybe a human council would have been better in the long run?  
Shaking the thoughts out of his mind, Shepard moved through the ship and over to the galaxy map. He pondered a little while looking between the map and various tasks he had listed down, some more serious in nature than others. Still, some of the smaller tasks ones he had overheard from different people on the Citadel would help protect against the Reapers in the long run and thus would need to be done sooner or later.  
He knew some of them would be more dangerous than others, especially if the Reapers controlled that part of space. Still, visiting some of the planets to pick up some important items would be worth the risk. The Normandy could handle escaping a Reaper or three.

Once he had chosen their destination he decided to wander the ship for a bit while he waited for them to arrive.  
He visited a few of his squad mates and spoke with them for a bit, each of them had their own thoughts on their impossible mission and he valued his crews thoughts when it came down to it. Even if they didn't always agree with certain points, they trusted him and he returned that trust in kind.

He stopped by Garrus' place which Shepard now called the weapons section of the ship, due to the fact that Garrus spent almost all of his time there 'calibrating' the weapons. Shepard often teased him about that ever since they worked with Cerberus and modified the weapons to be stronger, more efficient.  
Shepard. Garrus greeted him while fiddling with the control panel. He glanced up from the controls when Shepard didn't say anything to him, what? He said peering at the commander suspiciously and in return he was given a grin from the human.  
Don't even think about it. Garrus said, trying to look unamused by Shepard's quirky little way of teasing him.  
I think you're a bit late in telling me to not to even think of it, Garrus. Shepard retorted, grin growing wider.  
Garrus snickered a little, I've missed working with you. He said, seeming cheerful somewhat.  
And I've missed you too. The guns wouldn't be the same without you 'calibrating' them so often! Shepard said enthusiastically, he made dramatic motions with his hands while he did so.  
This caused the turian to groan as he placed a hand to his head, you are awful. I get teased enough by the other turian's. I am beginning to wonder if you put them up to it. Wouldn't surprise me, knowing you.

Shepard gave a wide-eyed look at the alien, a mock look of shock, who, me? Don't be silly! I've been grounded all this time. I'd never do such a thing as tease you like that.

Sure you wouldn't. Garrus chuckled, shaking his head, really though, I need to get back to work. It was good of you to come by and I'll see you later?

Shepard laughed softly, nodding at his friend. Sure thing, Garrus. I always enjoy speaking to you like this during down time. Having my trustworthy friends beside me, makes this mission impossible that much more easier on these shoulders.

You do tend to carry the whole galaxy on them, Shepard. Garrus agreed, glancing back up to Shepard with a turian's smile. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter ten**

It had been a few weeks now since Kaidan had re-joined the Normandy team. He had gotten use to the newer layout of the ship by this time and was enjoying the new areas that Cerberus had added to the ship. Namely the relaxation room – which he rarely used, but he was glad for since they kept drinks there – and the stargaze room which he really liked spending time within, watching the stars go by.

He always preferred spending his time quietly alone than with a large crowd and the stargazing room was perfect for him. It helped keep his migraines at a tolerant level as well.

Liara – an asari who had travelled with Shepard and Kaidan once before (along with Garrus and Ashley) sat beside him as she took a moment of rest from her own work as the shadow broker.

She didn't spend much time away from her work because the information she gathered from all over the galaxy was very important for their mission. Knowing what different worlds were like in this war; what the Reapers were up too, and of course Cerberus as well, when she was able to find agents with that information.

"How is Shepard handling the situation of Earth?" She enquired the man as he leaned back on the couch.

"He tries to hide the worry and stress, but I can tell that he has had less sleep than I have, and I haven't had much myself."

"He was always the same. Though that is what makes him an amazing human." She agreed.

Kaidan chuckled softly, "he really is."

"I must admit, I do not think I could have continued to fight after the loss of someone I loved as he loved Ashley. He does not speak of it, but I know that he still hurts from her loss."

"He has built a wall around himself to keep moral up, but we have known him for a long time now. It's easy to tell that he puts on a brave face for us." Kaidan licked his lips a little worriedly, "I just wish I could do something to help Shepard. I feel useless to him as a friend."

Liara smiled softly. It was a knowing smile and Kaidan had to glance away from her for a moment.

"You haven't told him yet, have you?" She asked, placing a blue hand upon Kaidan's knee which caused him to flush slightly.

"Told him what?" He said after a moment, though he could tell that she had seen through him long ago. She said nothing, however and he dipped his head lowly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I-... no, I haven't," he finally confessed, "it just hasn't felt like the right time, and besides, he doesn't seem interested in other men. Besides that, I have never been with anyone, so it is a little nerving."

Liara chuckled softly, "you remember how I made a fool of myself when I spoke to him of my feelings? I am sure Shepard told you, but I was not exactly the most graceful of asari at the time."

"No, but he did think it was rather cute and endearing." Kaidan agreed with a tender smile, "anyway, you have trusted Shepard fully, even when he was with Cerberus. I'm not sure I could ever fix the gap I made between us after that... even if Shepard agreed that we would put it all behind us..."

Liara cut him off with a comforting touch. "Kaidan, he truly wishes to be close to you. I might not know what his feelings are for you, be they just as a friend like he feels for Tali, or a sister like he feels for me, but he truly cares for you. His actions on Mars when you were hurt prove that more than words themselves. Speak with him, at least then you shall have no regrets."

Kaidan smiled lightly, he couldn't argue with Liara's logic, "you win." He said rubbing the back of his neck. "I'll ask him to lunch when we get back to the Citadel."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter eleven**

It had happened. Kaidan had finally asked Shepard to have a meal with him when they were at the Citadel the next time they docked there. He wrung his hands together nervously before sending the message to the Commander's terminal, unsure if he was really ready for this. Would he ever be ready? He didn't think that was truly possible, but it was done now.  
The thought of confessing to Shepard was still frightening to him, probably more so than any Reaper force. He laughed nervously at the idea of him being more afraid of Shepard's rejection than actual Reapers. How silly he seemed, but he was aloud to be silly once in a while, wasn't he?

The Normandy was flying through the vast expanse of space smoothly, as she always did and Kaidan admired the passing stars. Shepard would probably not even get the message until later; he was suppose to be sleeping right now. Though Kaidan was sure the man would probably be awake. He couldn't say anything for right now. He too was suppose to be asleep, but he hadn't been able to.  
Instead he had written the message, deleting it once, re-wording it and then repeating the process all over again. He didn't want to make it sound too forward, but at the same time he wanted Shepard to know that he would look forward to spending time with him. In the end he had simply left it at a simple 'lets hang out' message, figuring that would be better.

Giving his brow a light scratch as he sighed deeply, Kaidan made a move to stand up. Since he was feeling tired now, and since he had sent the message – he decided to get some rest, if he could. Tomorrow they would reach the destination for their next mission and he would need some rest if he were to be at his best for the commander.  
Getting killed or hurt now would suck. Badly.

It didn't take him long to fall into a deep sleep and by the time he awoke again, he felt refreshed. His migraines weren't that bad today either, which meant he felt completely good about himself right now.  
There wasn't time for him to enjoy the feeling of being content however, as Joker patched in a message to the crew, telling them to be ready for evasive action against Cerberus ships. He realized he had slept longer than he should have, or that Joker had arrived to the destination earlier than expected. Either way, Kaidan quickly got into his armor and gathered the weapons he needed and moved to join the others.

Shepard was talking to Joker and EDI, it didn't take him long to notice Kaidan's approach and he offered a wary smile before returning to the pair about the mission and what they could expect while down in Grissom Academy. That's when Joker noticed the Cerberus ships, and it was decided that Shepard would take a small team and slip past the Cerberus vessels while Joker led them off with the Normandy.  
Kaidan had to admire how quickly Shepard adjusted with a new plan when things didn't go as they had expected. They had known something hadn't been right about the signal and suspected Cerberus were involved but they hadn't been certain until now.

It was then that Kaidan had realized he had been gazing at Shepard intently and that Liara was smiling at him with that knowing smile of hers. He quickly averted his look and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, his face flushing slightly.  
However, it didn't take him long before he glanced back to Shepard again. He cursed himself out for getting so easily distracted to the point that Liara could tease him for it without even saying a word. Kaidan eventually had to keep his gaze off to the side, to avoid anyone else noticing the look of admiration (and more) that he held for his commander.

He began to remember the first time he and Shepard had met, and all of the adventures they had been on together. Fighting the Thorian. The geth, Sovereign.  
He hadn't meant to get lost in his thoughts of the past, and the sudden mention of his name from the commander's lips had startled him. The mission, Shepard had decided; was to be done by Garrus, Shepard and Kaidan himself.

"Just like old times. Right Kaidan?" Garrus said chuckling, the three of them usually had spent most of their missions together in the past, and it pleased Kaidan to see that Shepard still trusted him this much to take him along for the ride like always.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter twelve**

Shepard, Kaidan and Garrus had made it onto Grissom Academy and had already saved several of the student's there. Shepard wondered what Cerberus even wanted with these kids, but whatever it was; it wasn't good. He knew that much. Sometimes he felt that Cerberus were really working for the Reapers, despite saying otherwise. Still, he wouldn't allow them to kidnap these kids to do who knows what with them.  
He lowered his weapon as the last of the Cerberus operatives fell to the floor; dead. That was when he heard a familiar voice from above. "Is that... Jack?" He muttered to himself, having realized just who it was that called him 'the king of the boy scouts'.  
She jumped down from the broken window ledge above them and began to march over to Shepard. He gave a light smile and began to move forward to his old friend, moving as if to offer a greeting. However, Jack had another greeting in mind and punched him right across the cheek.  
"Damn it, how many times did I tell you, not to trust Cerberus?" She growled at him.  
Shepard was somewhat taken aback by the sudden hit, and he blinked a few times before he realized what had happened. He could be attacked by just about anything these days and not be surprised, yet he hadn't expected it from one of his own.  
Kaidan frowned and had wanted to protect Shepard, he didn't know who this woman was, but it seemed as though she and Shepard had known one another. It was Garrus' chuckle that kept him from aiming a gun at the biotic female however, and he waited to see Shepard's response. It wasn't every day that someone... punched Shepard and got to live to tell about it.

The man was surprisingly calm, however and he responded coolly, "You're not telling me anything I haven't told myself, Jack." The woman didn't seem to pleased by his response, Kaidan noticed but at least she didn't seem ready to hit Shepard again.  
She gave him a pointed look before saying equally calmly, "Oh you feel bad? Well, shit. I bet that's a big comfort to all the people Cerberus has killed!"  
Kaidan had to admit, she spoke what was on her mind. No wonder Shepard had allowed her to hit him without being angry at her – though the look of surprise on Shepard had amused Kaidan. She seemed quite powerful with her biotic's too, from what he could tell.

"As charming as ever..." Garrus suddenly spoke up, walking over to Shepard and the woman. Kaidan felt a little annoyed that he seemed to be the only one who didn't know who this woman was. Shepard had told him of the time he had been with Cerberus, but that didn't mean Kaidan had been told everything, or even knew what these people had looked like. From what he had been told, this couldn't have been Miranda.  
"Good to see you again, Garrus. Face still looks like shit." Jack replied to him, somewhat cheerfully; or as happy as Kaidan assumed she ever got. It was hard to tell with this woman.

It was then that Garrus somewhat whispered to Kaidan that this woman, was in fact, Jack. This caused Kaidan to choke a little. No one had mentioned that Jack was actually the name of a woman, a woman who was now looking at him rather oddly. Though she didn't hold the look long enough for Kaidan to do much else other than attempt to hide his surprise.  
"Okay. Right now, all I care about is getting my guys out of here." She continued, now ignoring the other man and speaking again to Shepard.  
"Surprised?" Garrus said quietly, still talking to Kaidan while Jack and Shepard spoke. He nodded his head in agreement and then gave a little shrug. Though in truth he wondered just how close those two had become during their mission with Cerberus. Shepard had mentioned that Jack had held up a biotic field to protect him during time inside the Collectors ship, but never about any romantic interest in her.  
Then again, Shepard never mentioned anything about relationships to Kaidan, except for Ashley of course. He somewhat regretted not having agreed to join Shepard during that mission, if only because that time apart felt like he could never fill that void no matter how much time they spent together now.  
Still, there was no use crying over it. Shepard and he were friends now, and that was more important, even if Kaidan was a little jealous that Shepard considered Jack close enough to him, in order to be able to hit him without consequence.  
The current task at hand, had to take priority over his feelings though and they continued on with the mission to save the kids at Grissom Academy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter thirteen.**

After the rescue mission Kaidan had decided to play a game of cards with James and Garrus. Shepard had stopped by for a short time, but didn't stay to chat as he seemed to be busy rushing around with whatever task he had to occupy his time. He assumed that, unlike the rest of the crew Shepard wouldn't have as much down time. It worried Kaidan to see his friend like that, but part of him understood that Shepard would have it no other way. He wasn't known for sitting around for long periods of time when he could be helping people, and if not helping people then filing reports to the Council.  
"I was really surprised when Jack hit Shepard," Kaidan said after the Commander had left the room, "has she always been like that? And what's up with the tattoo's anyway?"  
"Ah. Jack. Yes she's always been like that. She doesn't let anything take her down. She is one mean biotic if there ever was one. Makes me wonder who would win in a fight, you or her." Garrus said with a bemused tone.  
"I'd warrant a guess that it would be a very long, drawn out fight no matter who won. She doesn't look like the type of women who'd go down easily." Kaidan agreed, though he had no desire to test the idea. It was always a bad idea to judge a persons skills on their gender, and Kaidan knew this only too well with how strong Liara was with her biotics. Asari had mastered it a long time before humans, so he was positive that she'd have an advantage. Plus she was much older than him since Asari lived long, long lives. She may have been a 'child' to her people but Kaidan respected her a great deal.  
"What about you and loco?" James asked as his turn came around, "who would win? I mean you're a good fighter, no doubt about that, but loco is the famous hero."  
"Well," Kaidan began, pondering the question. "I'm not sure which of our biotic skills are stronger, but Shepard is no doubt a tough man to fight. He isn't called a hero for nothing, after all."  
Garrus chuckled a little, "you're always quite modest, Kaidan. Though you are right. Shepard has done so many amazing things. It's never dull around that guy."  
"I'm almost jealous you two have been with him from the start." James said, frowning at his cards somewhat.  
Kaidan thinned his lips a little, he gave a rather guilty look as he remembered how he had not trusted Shepard enough to follow him during his quest to fight the Collectors.  
"I don't think it makes much difference," Garrus picked up, "you're part of the Normandy crew now and that's all that matters to any of us. Who cares if you joined later or had to come back later on, in Kaidan's case; Shepard is just glad to have everyone stand beside him now. He needs the support now more than ever, and I don't think Shepard really thinks about the length of time or anything else like that."  
Kaidan gave a fond little smile, Garrus was right about that. Shepard was the type of man to give his friendship to anyone who would accept it. Shepard wasn't one to hold a grudge or truly hate anyone who he felt they could find redemption. This wasn't always a good thing, as too much trust sometimes meant that Shepard would be used by those who would exploit that trust. Though Shepard could handle himself and so Kaidan rarely had to worry too much about Shepard's safety. Though he was careful to keep an eye out for Shepard, none the less.  
Garrus picked up a card from the pile on the table, he gave a quiet grumble and then placed the same card face up on the discarded pile. "You humans have some strange rules for these card games," he mumbled.  
James chuckled, picking up Garrus' card from the discarded pile and then placed down three sevens, and a following suit of hearts from the ace to the fourth card. "And I'm out!" He said placing the spare card on the discarded pile, then raised both hands into the air in fists of victory.  
Sighing softly, Kaidan placed his cards down onto the table and leaned back in his chair. "That's three times in a row now. I'm going to run out of credits at this rate," he said, shaking his head.  
"You think you have it bad. I'm loosing more often than you are," Garrus chuckled, "though I'm not giving up just yet. I'll win it back the next round."  
"Sure, sure. I accept the challenge." James said, grinning widely.  
Kaidan chuckled and gave a shrug of his shoulders before leaning forward again in his chair. He then collected all of the cards on the table and began to shuffle them. "So another game of rummy it is. I'm not about to loose to you two, it's game on." Kaidan then stopped shuffling the cards and began to deal them out. He felt pretty good about this hand.


End file.
